I'm tired of people, all together. The people I know, the people that I call friends, the people that I love, and the people I don't know.

I'm tired of being backstabbed. And cut out of plans. And ignored. And made fun of. And pissed off. And tired of my words being turned around on me. Tired of all the two-faced shit that goes on with the little groups in Arlington.

So... done with this xanga. If you read it, and you want to know what the new one is... just leave a comment. I'll find a way to tell you if I care enough...

Otherwise..... fuck off.

Please don't go....

I'm sitting here, off of work, but still sitting at my desk because I just got my computer speakers fixed and now I can listen to my music that I don't have in my car. I need to get it all in my system before I leave. Ha.

So... I had a very long talk with Amanda last night. We set some records straight. I told her how the thing with her and Matt made me feel, since she and I had been friends for 10 or more years. I think she understands why it was so hard for me. I also let her know that though he is not the best boyfriend in the world, I do think that he truly loved her. Just couldn't work out the problems right now.

I went and saw Inglorious Bastards on Monday night. Yes, took Matt... we talked a bit about how he's doing, but mostly we just talked about what's going on in our lives past that. I think the best thing for both of them to just live their lives for themselves right now. Do the things that they wanted to do. Go further. Concentrate on them singularly, instead of as a couple. Who knows.

I also found out that some things I said were mixed up, reworded, and I had to clean that situation up. Remind me to talk to no one but my best friends about the shit going on in my life. Ha. One of these days I swear I'll remember that.

Oh, and Remy, darlin.... if you want to copy and paste my angry journal entries, go ahead... it's ok... but I don't really appreciate it. It seems a little two faced to me, and that's the last thing I want to think of you as. I love you very much, but it seriously does hurt me when you do things like that. Now, when Amanda asked me about the journal entry that you showed her, I told her the complete truth... but maybe what you could not have known was that I wrote that entry about 10 min after I found out that they had moved in together. I was in a dark dark dark place. I wrote it out here because I was under the assumption that none of my friends read this blog anymore, and I wanted to get it out in a place that I wouldn't have to worry about hurting feelings. Or wouldn't say something I regret. I realize I put it out on the internet for all to read, and that was extremely immature of me. Won't happen again... but please... just come talk to me, ask me if I'm ok, what's going on.... don't just copy and paste what I write to other people.... it causes problems.

But I LOVE YOU, and it's ok.

This whole situation is just weird to me. And, "Handy Geek", I really appreciate the comment from my last blog entry. I'm telling you that I felt the exact same way. I just have to think of all the karma points this will create. Ha. No but honestly, he and I have been extremely close friends for almost 9 years. And he was there for me through some of the most horrible nights of my life. Knows more about me than ANYONE... and we've stuck by each other for better or worse the past 7 years. I can't just cut him off and leave him when I think that I can help somehow. It's stupid, and painful, and will not end well for me, probably.... but it's the person that I am. If I think I can help, I'll do absolutely everything in my power to help.... silly me. :) But honestly, thank you so much for always helping me with your opinion and comments.

I'm about to head home, sit on my couch with my lovebugs (Molly and Nathaniel... dog and cat respectfully), and read my book. :) It'll be a nice relaxing evening at home. I've needed one of those for awhile. I think everything will be ok. We're strong people from the country, we can take a little heartache. I'm so ready to get my life started.... we're working on it. It'll be great.

I'm in a pretty darling mood today. It might have something to do with getting up early... but whatever it is, I'm happy it's here. I've needed it. <3

That's the way I feel about you....

Karma........ is the theme for my day. I don't know how I feel about it all. Let me write this out, without giving away too much, and have it still make sense... wanna try?

I threw in the towel a few days ago.... decided that while all these years of friendship and having our lives intermixed was extremely important, it didn't necessarily mean that the rest of my life had to be this way. So... I threw in the towel. I called the friendship off... to an extent. I moved on and tried to forget it all

Last night I got a text that said he left her. He couldn't cut it, so he left her. And he's all broken up about it. And needs to talk to me.

I was completely at a loss. I mean, here just days ago I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore. I was pissed about the way you treated her, even if she didn't deserve anything from me. You've talked about leaving her, and how unhappy you were for the past 2 months... but now that you do it you want to drown in drugs and liquor and become numb? WHAT?!!

I had to fight myself not to say "This is what you wanted, be a man and deal with it. You didn't treat her right in the first place with the cheating and the flirting, so maybe she's a hell of a lot better off with out you. And didn't I say I didn't want to talk to you anymore? Why would you call me to cheer you up about a relationship that broke MY heart to begin with..."

Of course, when I asked why he wanted to talk to me about this his answer was "You said I could always come to you..." and as mad and hurt as I've been by him in the past years, I did say this... and when I say it I hold to it.  So... I'm on call, I guess.... to talk to a guy who broke my heart big time, multiply times in the past 7 years, about a relationship that broke my heart IN A BIG BAD WAY!!!........................................... it sounds selfish and immature to have such a problem with this situation... but I can not seem to help it. Everyday I tell myself that I'm going to act more mature, to act like the lady that my mother raised me to be... Then the case in point shows up and all my hard won control is gone. All that's left is a bitter, angry woman, who can fling some pretty mean remarks and looks. I don't like it. I don't like the person he's changed me into. Or, it would be better to say, the person I changed into because of my  time with him..

But of course, right after work, I'm calling to check up and make sure he's ok... will probably offer to go out tonight to get his mind off of it... childish fun is needed.

My life is ridiculous sometimes.

Oh yes.... went on a date last week... and the guy went home with a stripper..... Not kidding at all..... I'm done... again... ha.

And that's all.

It takes too much effort...

And we'll undress beside the ashes of the fire.

 I guess the time for updates comes to all, though this is more about wasting time at work than updating. I'm so tired of being here. I'm ready to goooo hooooome....

Funny story of the day: I have my hair up today which leaves my ears and gauges in full view. My boss came up to my desk to compliment me on my shirt, this morning, then did a double take at my ears. She then asked "Are those real? You really have holes?" It made me laugh out loud because I have worked in this office and under her for almost a year and this is the first time she realized that my earlobes have big holes in them. Haha. It was really funny to me, maybe you'd have to be there.

This is the size of my gauges now. They are at a 7/16ths... next step up is a half inch. How exciting. Not sure if I'll go up again or not, but I def like this size. I think my ears can handle on more stretch before the stretched lobes turn red and gross looking.

So, since we're updating.... here are pictures of my hair! Ha... it's getting ridiculously long.

So yes... long long hair.

Let's see.... FERRIN IS ABOUT TO HAVE HER BABY GIRL!!!

This last picture was taking about a week ago. I love how so long after we met and became friends we are still so close. I can't wait till this little one comes. She's going to change all of our lives. It will be for the better.

I'm starting to feel the pangs of being single for so long. I don't know if I'm ready to give up my independence, privacy, and space. So I don't know if I'm ready to start dating again, honestly I'm probably not. But you know... it's starting to move that direction. I decided to be celibate and single originally so that I could find myself. So that I could spend time with just me, work on my life, and my issues, and I've done that. I'm pretty sure I know who I am, where I'm going, and how I'm going to get there. It seems that the reasons for the being celibate and single have all been met. I don't know... I'm not heading out to bars every night looking to pick up the next big thing.... I'm actually not doing anything to find someone... but it is there. I miss being in love. There, I said it. I miss that feeling and the sensations, and the fears even. It is a pretty cool feeling, even if I think marriage and soul mates are a ridiculous concept, especially for me. Being in love, in its most basic and pure form is a pretty awesome feeling. So, there's that.

I think I'm going to go visit Tim in Arkansas soon. Maybe stay for 5 days or so. Explore. It'll be exciting. I miss Tim.

Matt and I haven't come to the end of our story yet, I guess. In fact, only yesterday we talked at length about his relationship. And I actually gave the "try to work it out" advice.  Honestly, if Matt is happy with her, then I want that to work out for him. I always said I wanted him to be happy, no matter with who. It shouldn't really change because the who he chose was an old best friend of mine, right? I'm trying to be mature and put our friendship above the negative feelings towards this situation. We've been "best" friends for 8 years or so now... and it seems a little silly to throw it all away just because I don't like his choice in girls. Who knows. I'll let it be. I am not putting as much of myself into our friendship anymore, though. I've pulled myself back to a nice indifferent level. If we remain friends, excellent... if we don't, well... I've made my peace. Is this what maturity feels like?

I've been spending all my time with Tina again... well also Mark Frazee, Josh, Krebs, and Jared.... So much so that I'm starting to get gruff from other groups of friends. Somedays I love having friends in so many different groups... but other days it's just another reason for people to fight. I mean..... I don't have the time to hang out with everyone every week, and still have time for myself. Albiet I don't have to hang out with Tina 6 days a week.... but I love her. She's one of my bests, and I enjoy spending time with her so much. Christina is kinda a beacon of good. It sounds weird, but she's an amazing person, and I am really glad that we are all hanging out again. I've missed these guys.

Hmmm......... Adam's baby is almost here. I can't wait to meet her either. It's raining babies in Lauren land. I swear. I'm a godmother to EVERYONE'S kids these days. Hehe, you won't find me complaining. I live vicariously through other people's children. I don't want any of my own.

So.... finishing school, then I'll probably head up to Portland, Or. Try to get on with Oxfam America/ Ireland.... I'd really prefer Ireland, but I might have to start off here until something opens up over there. The point is that the second I have my diploma in my hand my life starts. I'm so ready for it.

Also... I've started redecorating the apartment. Zombie theme in the living room. Seriously. Hayley is doing this big peice for my birthday past of the zombie apocolypse. And I met this artist that does amazing zombie work, so I'm buying one of his peices. Christina got me a print of a New Orleans graveyard when she went down that will go perfectly with it all. I'm pretty darn excited. Just have to figure out which room all of the French style liquor posters should go. Maybe in the upstairs when I convert it to my office/guest room. Hell maybe I'll just move out of this apartment and find another. Who knows?

I guess that's all I have to update. I think xanga is giving me carpal tunnel. BOO!